BBC 6 Music Podcasts.
6 Music.
This is a free download from the BBC.
Find out more at bbc.co.uk slash 6 Music.
And now, Adam and Joe.
Watch out, it's Adam and Joe, coming from space to your brain.
They got a little pack of highlights from the 6 Music show for you to hear again.
Hello, this is Adam.
Hey, this is Joe, and welcome to this week's Adam and Joe podcast, brought to you by the BBC.
The big British castle, and it's podcast number seven, I think.
Yeah.
God's number.
Uh, is it?
Yeah.
And Prev's number as well.
Whenever there's an album, track seven is usually the best track on there.
It's a well-kept secret amongst musicians that you put your best piece of work at number seven.
That's the right words.
It's sort of around the halfway mark, generally, isn't it?
Yeah, of an old vinyl LP.
Seven songs on each side.
Fourteen in all.
That's twice seven is fourteen.
I'm good with numbers.
You are good with numbers.
I'm hot.
You're hot in a number of ways.
Numbers.
Now look, in this show, folks, that went out this weekend on Six Music, our three-hour show on Saturday mornings, we established that me, Adam Buxton, I won Song Wars from last week with my Penelope Cruz song.
Congratulations.
Thank you very much.
As someone who's won many times in the past, I know exactly how you're feeling.
It's a good feeling, isn't it?
It's an amazing feeling.
You'll notice you're, you know, you have a slightly better weekend.
Right.
Well, I'm looking forward to snogging some girls.
Well, there will be girls outside the studio.
What's that like?
How did you deal with all that when you were on your wedding street?
First, it's weird because it's just odd.
Sorry?
It's just odd, like, you know, it's just odd kissing someone.
It just seems unhygienic.
But then, you know, it feels really nice.
It's like sort of drinking fresh spring water.
And do you go, is the accepted wisdom that you should go all the way with these people?
Absolutely.
Do them.
Okay, I'm looking forward to that.
No, unequivocally.
Yeah.
Waste no time.
Bang, bang, bang.
Bang, bang, bang.
Good, I'm looking forward to the bang.
What are you talking about?
I think we're talking about cross purposes.
Now, we're not actually going to include the Penelope Cruz song in this podcast because we played it in the last one.
You can check it out, you know, so we don't want to double up on stuff that's already been done.
So we hope you enjoy all the new stuff in this compilation podcast.
Yeah, and we'll be back with you for an outro link, that's what they call them in the biz, in a little bit.
It's the weekend, a time when there's no law, no rules.
Go out, spend money, have fun, get drunk, fall over.
Do what you want.
Yeah.
Anarchy.
And I think maybe I felt the beginnings of summertime stroke spring in the air.
Did you?
Today.
It was nice and mild.
Didn't you think that?
Yeah.
When you went out of the house?
Yeah.
You don't care at all about the weather, do you?
I'm not as weather obsessed as you are.
I love thinking about weather.
I love the weather.
I love the weather.
I'm confused because I bought a pastry, but when I came into the studio from the shop across the road, I was thinking, I know I have a pastry Saturday morning.
I like pastry.
I bought one, and now I've lost it!
I put it down, I can't remember where.
It might be in the shop still.
Shall I go to the shop to find out?
No.
I will!
I can't live without the pastry!
at the Albury Theatre, maybe the Aldwych, can't remember.
It was a very spectacular production.
And I saw all those kids about my age, dressed as little urchins, jumping around with everyone looking at them and applauding them.
And I thought,
I want to be like that.
I want to be an urchin.
I want to be an urchin and jump around on stage and have people applaud me.
How old were you again?
Uh, 23?
Yeah.
No, probably about 9 or 10.
Okay.
Maybe 11.
Right.
So, I got my mum to take me to audition for that very production.
No.
I think she might have seen that they had, you know, openings for urchins coming up.
I didn't have any acting training.
Urchin openings.
yeah but I decided I wanted to be an actor yeah so I went to audition for it and the song I learned is from Oliver was was where is love yeah do you remember that one little Mark Lester in some kind of a basement staring through the bars
It's so high-pitched.
It's so high-pitched.
Yeah.
That I think they actually get a lady to dub it over in the film musical.
You've never told me this before.
That's true.
You're a little thespy pop idol kid.
So I practiced and practiced and practiced that song and I had fantasies about getting the part.
And you know I told my mum all about my fantasies.
Yes, Mummy, when I get the part, my favourite thing will be this, the bit when I'm in the Undertaker's and I toss all the coffins over and run around.
That bit's going to be really good.
My mum went, yes, yes it is.
Anyway, I went along.
I was so nervous.
Yeah, I was popping my pants And I went on stage and I sung I don't know I have no memory of it, but I'm sure it was the worst Possible version of where is love ever sung by a human being well because all I got was a thank you.
Thanks very much No, we've got a tall urchin.
Thank you.
Bye Yeah, so we're trying to get urchins under six foot They gotta be smaller than Fagan
You know, you're half Michael Ball.
That's fine.
I find that insulting.
I've got an enlarged ball.
One of my Michael Balls is swollen.
You are more than half Ball.
What?
Now, you're away next weekend, is that right, Joe?
Yes.
We have a guest presenter.
Guest co-presenter.
And we're also going to do a guest presenter at Song Wars as well.
That's right, next week.
Yeah, so you get, like, about a month off Song Wars, you lazy so-and-so.
Only I might have written a song today.
Oh, really?
To be perfectly honest, I'm a little bit jealous that someone else, the mystery guest presenter, is going to get to do a Song Wars.
I like doing Song Wars and I've really got into the habit.
I was a bit grumpy about it when we first started and complained about the workload, but I got into the habit and I can't stop doing songs.
Mmm, so the song's just got to come out.
It's just got to come out I've got music it's fun and You know, sometimes they're not very good like the following but this week I just couldn't stop myself from doing a song and I knew I wasn't allowed to write a song.
I Thought it might make you upset So I've written a song that isn't really a song.
Hmm.
It's it's called.
This is not a song.
This is it.
I
Exist
This is not a song.
Yeah, well it's like the Beatles, isn't it?
Is it?
It's very similar to a lot of the Beatles.
What do you mean?
Experimental music, like something that maybe would have turned up on the Yellow Submarine album there.
It reminds me of a Tony and Northern song.
It's very deconstructionist, there's a lot of ideas going on there.
Did you buy a new set of plug-ins for GarageBand there?
I bought something called a K-oscillator.
A K-oscillator?
Have you heard of the K-oscillator?
No, what's that?
Pop K-Oscillator into YouTube.
K-A-O-S-C-I, you know, oscillator on the end.
Like a chaos pad or something?
Yeah, that'll, um, that'll teach you all about it.
Is that a bit of hardware?
It's, it's, it's basically, uh, what was the Rolf Harris thing called?
The stylophone.
Stylophone, yeah.
It's a stylophone for the noughties.
Brillo pads, K-Oscillator.
K-Oscillator.
It's brilliant, also very frustrating.
Yeah.
You'll see why if you have a look at the films of people using them on YouTube.
Uh-huh.
Well that was extraordinarily strange, thanks for sharing that with us.
It was only short.
And we're not asking people to vote for that.
No, just ignore that.
Pretend it didn't happen.
It was just a little burst, a little creative ejaculation there from Joe Cornish.
Yeah, all over the ears.
Alright.
Now, my presenter next week, my guest co-presenter will be the film director and pop video genius Garth Jennings.
He's an old friend of both of us, me and Joe.
We met him ages ago.
He'll do a ruddy good job.
And the Song Wars challenge for next week, which Garth and I have to fulfil, is we've got to create songs using members of our family.
We've just got to make a song with them in it.
It can't be us singing.
So that's Song Wars for next week and you'll hear what we came up with then.
The all-new Adam & Joe podcast has an all-new name.
PODMAX!
The name will never be used out loud or written down.
PODMAX!
But from now on, whenever you think about the Adam & Joe podcast, PODMAX!
Think PODMAX!
I'd like the listeners to watch out for a film poster this week.
It's all over the, uh, the bus stops.
I think it's the worst film poster of the year.
Oh, I know exactly which one it is.
Which one is it?
Uh, Accidental Husband.
Yes.
Yeah, I was thinking that myself yesterday.
Really?
I made some notes.
It's a disgrace.
It's on the way to the Tube.
I can't believe it.
And I can only think of three reasons why it's the worst film poster in the world, but they're powerful reasons.
Yeah.
The first is obvious.
It's identical to Bridget Jones's diary.
That's right.
They've thought the meeting was, uh, went a bit like this.
Bridget Jones's diary was a hit.
Yes.
Make this one the same.
Yes.
that was the end of the meeting.
Exactly.
Colin Farrell is in the film and he was in the other film too.
We could put him in the same position on the poster.
It's exactly the same only in place of Helen Tights.
What was she called?
Bridget Jones lady?
Janine Bulge.
Janine Stripmore.
Yeah.
Holding a diary.
What's she called?
That actress?
Yeah, there you go, Renee Zellweger.
In place of her, they've got Uma.
In place of Adari, there's a bouquet of flowers.
In place of a huge grunt is Colin Firth.
And in place of Colin Firth is some man called Jeffrey Dean Morgan.
Who's Jeffrey Dean Morgan?
Who in the British Isles is going to get excited about seeing Geoffrey Dean Morgan?
The Morganator.
The Morganator?
He's just a man.
Nothing distinguishing about him at all.
And the other thing is, which maybe you've got on your list there.
Yeah, I want to say it.
Go on, you say it then.
Colin Firth's photo is of a much lower resolution than everybody else's.
You get this quite a lot in the modern age, where it's so easy just to grab photographs off the internet and drag them into your magazine spread, but not usually into your major feature film poster.
And then you pull them and you overstretch them and you know the structure of the photo becomes pixelated and Firth is basically just grabbed from another film, splodged in and stretched.
He even looks as if he's grabbed from the Bridget Jones poster.
Does he?
He's completely soft and out of focus.
Whereas Jeffrey Dean Morgan, you can see every hair on his boring chin.
Well, presumably they phoned up Firth and said, uh, Colin, is there any way you could do, we could take some pictures?
We're making a poster for the film.
And Colin just said, no.
I'm busy.
I'm too busy.
I'm watching television this afternoon.
I can't come.
So, don't worry.
It's okay, Colin.
We're, we found a picture of you on another poster.
We'll just drag it from there.
It's fine.
No one will notice.
And, you know, the idea of that being a satisfying poster anyway is kind of depressing.
All film posters are these days are just a white background, the lead actor and maybe one prop.
Yeah.
And that's it.
You know, anything else is considered to be confusing.
And if you think back at the good old days when, you know, those amazing artists would do amazing kind of imagined collages of scenes from the film, you know, the Star Wars poster.
Yeah.
Or Indiana Jones.
I mean obviously that's a fantasy film and stuff and a romantic comedy is slightly different.
It's always been a bit more functional in the world of romantic comedy.
Romantic comedy, do you think?
Yeah.
Maybe you're right.
But imagine if Star Wars had a similar poster design.
Darth Vader in the middle, against a white background, Han Solo on one side shaking a fist at him, Luke throwing his head back and laughing on the other.
The tagline would be, you've never seen Star Wars quite like this.
They would have got more a bigger audience.
More money.
They would have got more money.
Yeah.
That's where they went wrong.
It's Text the Nation time, this is the part of the show, listen carefully because this is complicated, where we give you a subject and you text us about it and we read them out.
So what was the middle part?
Uh, I'd forgotten.
The subject this week is evolving nicknames for pets or children or loved ones.
You give them a kind of a nickname, you get bored with it quickly, you start to evolve that nickname.
until it becomes kind of like a weird game of Chinese whispers and ends up something that nobody could possibly deduce where it came from.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, it does.
Anyway, this is from Emily Poston.
She says, my little sister Sisley became Sisley Parsley early in her life after a Beatrix Potter book, Sisley Parsley's Nursery Rhymes.
Is that how you pronounce Cicely?
C-I-C-E-L-Y.
Cicely.
Cicely.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Uh, quite suitable for the blonde Moppet she was.
Happily for all concerned, I think, this has, in the intervening years, morphed into Cis-Parse, Parson, Arson-Parson, and often fondly into Parsehole.
A move to the mellower West Country led to my attempt to impose... Parse-I... Parse-Iry on her?
I think I'm pronouncing some of these wrongly.
This continues to sit uncomfortably with her all-consuming antipathy for all things mellow.
I love her.
Oh, that's nice.
Isn't that nice?
That's a wonderful journey.
That's good.
Passhole, though.
This is one from Ryan Staines.
I've got a friend called Laura.
Once, when pronouncing her name in a funny way, I noticed it sounded like loo roll.
That turned into bog roll, since that was funnier to shout in the street.
Someone changed that to bogget, which was meant to be nicer.
Somehow that devolved again into Bogganoggers.
She is now a barrister and has been known to call herself Ginger Ninja Lawmaster Laura.
Bogganoggers is good.
Bogganoggers.
A trained barrister.
Would Bogganoggers please come to the stand?
I have many names for my cat, says Alison Shaw, who is named Lemmy.
He is named after Lemmy Kilmeister's mole.
He's Lemmy Kilminster from Motorhead.
OK.
This can also be Lem, Lemlem, or the Lemster.
Anyway, when I got him he was kind of lacklustre according to my vet, so I started to call him Scruggie.
Scruggie Scruggs, which then became The Scrugglet.
That mutated to Scrabbly, or Scrabbles when feeling formal.
Scrabulous Junks.
When he's bad, I say, no way, Jose.
As in, no way, Jose, but pronounced wrong.
What?
No way, Jose?
I don't know.
Anyway.
There you go.
So that went from Scruggy Scruggs, Scrugglets, Scrabbly Scrabbles, Scrabulous Junks.
Scrabulous Junks is good.
I like where they end up, these names, often, you know?
Yeah.
Gareth Owens says, hello, my name is Gareth.
At the age of eight, I unfortunately acquired the nickname Garfield, which was regrettably shortened to Garf, and stayed that way for some years.
I went to college, tried to lose it, but it still lingered like a foul smell.
My brother modified the name to Garfy, which I quite like.
We've got a habit of putting the in front of people's names, so it became the Garfy, which I like even more.
It eventually changed into the Garfsy,
which when typed into a text message comes out the hard she which the very same brother decided to use as L hard she live today and now a lot of the time he just says and leave today
You see, that's exactly the kind of thing we're looking for.
That is an insane journey.
Here's another one from Jennifer Rachel Burks.
I went to a sixth form college in the early 90s with someone called Jonathan Thorpe, who went by the nickname Temps.
That came from the following logic strand.
Thorpe equals Thorpey.
Sounds like 4p.
Add 6 is 10p.
Becomes Temps.
Add 6 is 10p.
I put that bit in because it just goes Thorpe, Thorpey, 4p, 10p, Temps.
hello and welcome to the big british castle we hope you're having lots of jolly fun please obey the rules when you're inside the castle or we'll jolly have to throw you jolly out of
I found my pastry, listeners, you'll be pleased to hear.
At the top of the shelves... Oh, thank Christmas for that.
I know everyone's a little bit worried about it, you know, cos I bought the pastry and then I came in to Six Music and suddenly, no pastry.
And I'm thinking, where's the pastry?
Turned out, I left it in the shop on the, on the... Very Freudian moment for you.
...sweetie counter right in front of the till.
When you lose your first pastry, it's a very important formative, formative thing for a human being.
What does that say?
I'm getting senile.
Leaving my pastries behind?
That is apparently the first sign.
Losing track of your pastries.
Yeah.
Is the first sign of old age.
What's happened to my pastry?
Has anybody seen my... The fact that you're eating pastries.
My pastry.
You've got flakes all over your jumper.
Have I?
Flakes of pastry like a little old colonel.
It's my Saturday treat.
My pastry.
What's in your pastry?
Kind of a sort of a... Custard.
No, it's like a cinnamon gel.
Ah, cinnamon gel.
Yes.
Do you know who manufactures that?
No.
Toshiba.
It's good.
Anyway, so one of our favourite actors, listeners, if you listen to our Waffle regularly, you'll know that we like to follow the career of one of Britain's most thrusting young performance talents, Nicole Kidman, Danny Dyer.
Danny Dyer works with a director called Nick Love.
They make such films as The Football Factory and what was the one called where Sean Bean beat all the nonces up?
The Revenge Blokes.
Stop it.
Stop it and shut up.
Yeah.
I forgot what it was called.
called.
What was the one where they went to Spain with all the money?
That was The Business.
The Boots.
The Business.
Yeah.
Yeah, The Business, there you go.
And they're genuinely a pretty good team.
He was also in Severance, which I saw this week.
What a strange film.
Yeah, odd one.
Very odd.
It's got some good moments in it.
Anyway, Dyer's never, you know, minces his words, does he?
He's been mouthing off this week, hasn't he?
He has been mouthing off, yeah, in quite an entertaining style.
He's been mad!
He's been mad, hasn't he?
And, you know, that makes him really great value for money, Danny Dyer.
He doesn't sort of stand on ceremony.
He's not amazingly kind of premeditated in the way he manages his career or public persona.
How old is he these days?
Four.
Which is really refreshing.
You know, it's refreshing to someone who's kind of uncensored.
He must be in his mid to late twenties, is he?
I suppose.
Maybe a bit older, I don't know.
Anyway, it always makes the commentary tracks on the DVDs of their film amazing to listen to.
If you haven't stuck in any of those films and listened to the commentary track, we do recommend it.
uh, the business is amazing, Football Factory is breathtaking, um, there's even a little, you know, making of, uh, bit of video on the DVD of Severance, a kind of Danny Dyer on set diary, that's quite breathtaking.
Anyway, he's been mouthing off
uh, this week, and this is what it said in the London paper on Thursday, I quote, in a completely unprovoked tirade, angry Danny branded Orlando Bloom a rubbish actor and mocked James McAvoy's foppish looks.
You ready for this then?
So this is what Dyer says,
Orlando Bloom, he's come straight out of drama school, gets Lord of the Rings trilogy, and goes and gets another trilogy, Pirates of the Caribbean!
He's got all sorts of dough, loads of screaming girls chasing him, but he hasn't owned his craft yet, he's a rubbish actor!
I don't think anyone I've ever come across has said, you know what, he's a good actor, that Orlando Bloom.
He's got a good name, and quite an irritating face.
Well, man, he's only calling it like he sees it, isn't he?
Kapow!
Kapow!
That's fair enough, I would say.
Bloom, taken out.
Well, you know, Bloom's got his, um... Imagine that, getting two trilogies.
Yeah.
How jammy can you get?
Double trilogies.
Who else has got that?
Was there anyone in the Lord of the Rings trilogy that was in Pirates as well?
No.
Don't think so.
I don't know.
Double trilogies.
He's right, though, isn't he?
He's the jammiest actor in the world.
Dyer also mouths off at James McAvoy.
Do you want to hear what he's got to say about him?
How can he be down on McAvoy?
James McAvoy!
I let all these quotes start with the actor's name, then a question mark.
He's absolutely gone flying!
BAFTA nominations, presented at the Oscars, why?
Because he's running about with a floppy hairdo and he does period dramas.
I would say that that's unfair and unwarranted criticism from Dyer.
Yeah, casting agent.
Hmm, we need someone with a floppy hairdo to play the lead in this period drama.
Hugh Grant's too old, Hugh and McGregor's got spiky hair.
I know, what about James McAvoy?
He's got the ideal hair.
I never thought of McAvoy as being floppy-haired in the way that Hu-Huge Grunt always was.
At the audition?
Great read, James.
Now, can we see what you can do with your hair?
Flop it around as if you've just been accused of rape.
Great.
Now, flick it back like you've just been caught having sex in a library.
Terrific, you've got the part.
This is all a- This is imaginary.
Atonement audition.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
I still haven't seen that film.
But Dyer, he's insane.
I think he's justified in going off on one about Bloom.
It's not something you're supposed to do though, is it?
It's very bad form if you're in the entertainment business to, you know, we kind of do it all the time in a pathetic way, but to badmouth other people.
Yeah, no.
Because now he can never be in a film with Orlando Bloom.
Well, it's going to be very awkward.
Without there being a big bruising fight.
They'd go out, they'd find that they were both very decent guys, they'd go out for a drinky, they might do a little bit of shoving each other in the shoulders, and then they'd bond.
I don't fancy Bloom's chances in a fight with Dyer.
Tasty.
Dyer's probably tasty, isn't he?
Yeah, he'd take him all the way out the back door.
Yeah, he's probably well tasty.
Wouldn't be a lot of Bloom's pretty boy looks after that altercation.
Exactly.
No, I don't fancy McAvoy's chances against Dyer either.
Dyer always looks as if he's just crawled out from quite a bad punch-up anyway.
Do you know what I mean?
Like he's been boozing all night.
He's amazing value for money, but I don't know, you know, if I was his management, I'd advise him to keep a bit more shtum, because it might limit his casting options.
He'll find out.
When he's older and wiser, he'll look back and he'll say, oh, I used to mouth off a lot.
in the old days.
Back in the day, but I don't do that no more.
You know?
When he's the new generation's answer to Ray Winston.
When he's in his own trilogy.
Yeah.
That's what he needs.
That's what everyone dreams of.
I dream of a trilogy.
The Lamp Trilogy.
The Lamp.
The Boots.
Boots 2.
Double Boots.
That was a great chat.
Here comes another.
Adam and Jo are rocking the podcast now.
We've had lots of very nice emails and texts.
Nice is the wrong word, isn't it?
No, nice is a good word.
Amusing.
I like the word nice.
We used to have a teacher at school who banned the word nice.
Teachers... She hated it.
Yeah.
And everyone as an end of term present used to bring her nice biscuits, you know.
Yes, I know something I love in your face.
You should have shoved those biscuits right in her face That's what you should have done now.
I'm joking you should never shove biscuits in people's faces It's very dangerous, but I think everyone has slowly and softly that's fun That's sexy if you just press it on the end of the nose very softly and then wait till it just crumbles
Hey listen, if you moisten the biscuits first with warm water, that's a whole different thing.
If you dunk them and then push them in someone's face, that's a sign of love.
But everyone has teachers who do that, don't they?
Like English teachers, they're always saying, don't use the word nice.
I ban that word.
If I see that in an essay, you get a minus mark thing, you know, immediately.
And I've never had a problem with the word nice.
I like it.
It's nice.
OK, here are some of those emails.
This is from, uh... Dave in Cheltenham.
Morning, chaps.
Our eldest son is named Joshua, which was obviously shortened to Josh.
This quickly became Joshmosh, then Mishmash, then Mishington, Mishington, Mashington, until finally arriving at Mission Impossible.
Not so bad when he was 5 or 6, but now, aged 17, he finds it a little embarrassing.
Such is life!
Says Dave, yes.
That's brilliant.
From Josh to Mission Impossible.
That's very good.
That's a good one.
Here's one from...
Skipping that one.
Here's one from A. Collins, Andrew Collins, I'm not sure.
My little sister's called Georgina.
This was swiftly turned into Georgie and George, but strangely moved in the tyrannical direction of Genghis.
That was too brilliant to let go of, so we stuck with it.
Genghis.
That's quite an odd one, isn't it?
Good.
Genghis is nice.
This is from John Bateman.
Hi, we inherited a cat when we bought our house, imaginatively named Thomas, which obviously wasn't interesting enough.
He became Tom, Tomo, Thompson, and whatever Tom derivatives came to mind, including Tomkin.
And that naturally led to Battleship Potomkin.
I don't think he understands the role he played in Russian history, but he answers to it.
But then he answers to anything.
I think he might be a bit deaf.
John Bateman and Judith Winters in Scarborough.
Thank you very much for that.
That's excellent.
Battleship Potomkin.
Brilliant.
Russ Jones.
Dear Adam and Jo, my mother had a cross between a chihuahua and a Chinese crested powder puff.
Does that exist?
It's a cartoon character.
It was originally named Webster, after Webster Booth, who died on the day that she bought him.
Webster naturally turned into Webby, and then became Webby Woo Woo.
This somehow evolved into Webby Woozle, in reference to the Winnie the Pooh story, where Pooh and Piglet walk around and round a tree in search for two woozles and one weasel.
Webby Woozle became just Woozle, and then turned into Woo Woo Woozle.
Finally, any combination of Webbys, Woo Woos, and Woozles was accepted.
The dog died of a brain tumour.
I was wondering why I was reading that one out, and then I realised.
It's not because of the nicknames, though.
Possibly, I think.
It's very confusing for a dog.
Harold Dalton says, my girlfriend is called Helen, which soon became Helly, which became Smelly, which became Stinky, which became Ugly.
She loves it.
All right, Ugly.
All right.
Hi, this is A Sexy Woman, and you're listening to the highlights of the Adam and Jo BBC Six Music show.
Ooh, this podcast has got me so hot.
I'm too hot.
I'm going to have to sit down and take off my cardigan.
I'm boiling.
We've got an email for Danny Dyer.
Yeah, actually it's a text.
It's an anonymous text, made us laugh.
It says, Hi Adam and Joe.
If you see Danny Dyer, can you tell him I've got a couple of trilogies barely used in the back of the motor if he wants them?
Lovely trilogies.
Imagine getting your hands on one of those.
Danny Dyer, he's desperate for a trilogy.
Come on, someone out there.
Know anyone who's got a spare one?
You've got a spare trilogy.
One of those Chinese blokes goes round the pubs with a briefcase full of trilogies.
Maybe a dirty trilogy.
Give one to Dyer, he's desperate.
A filthy trilogy.
Vanished.
Danny wouldn't mind, you know what I mean?
We don't want him to have to do the football, what is it called?
The Real Football Factory.
Have you seen that on Sky One?
The series?
The Real Football Factory, it's where he goes off, he goes to football matches all around the world, watches it kicking off, has a ciggy and goes, oh dear.
And he presents that, doesn't he?
Yeah, he does, yeah, yeah.
Does he have a ciggy?
There's a little cig, and I think... On screen?
I think he does.
I might be imagining that.
Excuse me, viewers.
I'm gonna have a cig.
I'm gonna have a little ciggy and watch the match, and watch the fight kicking off.
And, uh... Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
Oh, tasty.
Oh, tasty.
That bloke's tasty.
Look at that.
Oh, I'm gonna have to have another cig.
Oh, that's appalling, that.
That bloke's tasty.
Yeah, that's what they say.
Is it?
Tasty means they like to punch each other.
Ah.
Yes.
Brit Award winner Kate Nash with Mary Happy.
That's the fifth single to be taken from her debut album, Made of Bricks.
Surely, I mean, with the best will and the best skills in the world, she's never going to be able to equal the success of Made of Bricks, don't you reckon, her first album?
It's bad to be negative about music that you play on your show.
Usually we take care for one of us to be enthusiastic about a record.
can't manage it.
Oh come on, I loved it.
That was my favourite song.
There we go.
Listen, we might do for Song Wars in the week after the week after next, we might go for Kate Nash style songs.
I've always wanted to do a Kate Nash song.
See if we can out Nash each other.
I think it'll be hard to do the accent though.
I might have to do a sort of parallel universe Kate Nash.
I don't know, I think it would be easy.
That's quite good.
Because I've got spots on my bum and I'm feeling real sleazy.
Oh, you're already one step ahead there.
I've had a cup of tea.
My best friend's called Colin
You've got to talk about how rubbish your boyfriend is as well.
He is rubbish.
I wish he'd go away.
That's good.
Thanks.
You could get a charts on for that.
You could get a charts on.
So yeah, OK, then.
So next week on Song Wars, me and Garth are battling it out for songs with relatives in them.
And thereafter, two weeks thence, it'll be Song Wars with me and Joe doing Kate Nash songs.
Brilliant.
All stuff to look forward to there.
Now let's wrap up Text the Nation.
Our cat, says Stee in Wirral, is called Milo, which is transformed into Miloix, Petit Miloix, Petit Monsieur, Monsieur Stench, Cat Head, Cat Face, Cat Face Killer.
A cat-faced killer is good.
Yeah, cats are hideous murderers.
They're awful.
Whenever you think they're all sweet, they'll go and disembowel a baby hen or something.
They are cold-blooded.
Toss them around.
Spiritually, that is.
Yeah.
Dear Adam and Joe, this is from Ali.
I was at university with a boy called Mark Manson Barr, who was so insanely posh that the only possible thing to call him was Mark Pants and Bra.
When his brother came up... Wait, Mark Manson Barr?
Yeah.
That is an amazing name.
Mark, pants and bra.
When his brother came up once to celebrate his birthday, we simply called him Thong.
My kitten's called Lin.
This one's anonymous, I think.
And Ghett's called Lineker, which is how she is sometimes known as Gary.
Nice.
Yeah, that's fairly straightforward.
uh is that it yeah two steps yeah well it's only a text my cat eric evolved to rick rock i guess you go from eric to rick yeah from rick to rick rock uh based on the name of the guy who sang it wasn't me with shaggy now it's become truck stop that's good eric rick rick rock truck stop to hairy trucker nice yeah the next step is going to be obscene isn't it from that yeah
Who's only knocking, miss?
like a king.
You're an egomaniac.
All you care about is yourself.
There are other people in the world apart from you, like me.
And my song about French actresses.
A lot of people loved it.
Three people liked it.
Anyway, if you want to hear all those things, you can do listen again by going on to the BBC Six Music website.
You can hear the show and it's
glorious entirety and if you want to hear another one live then tune in next weekend although Joe will be away then I'll be away don't forget by the way to leave a positive review on the iTunes site we do love reading those reviews and don't forget to tell all your friends about this podcast because it's being beaten by Zane Lowe's hot records and we can't be beaten by Zane Lowe you know
We might not have the skills of some of those people higher up in the charts than us, but we're very competitive and we care about these things much more than is healthy.
Yeah, even if our podcast isn't as good as the ones above it, it still deserves to do better just because, you know, we're us, not them.
Have a good week.
Take care.
Thanks a lot.
Bye.
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Download it now.
bbc.co.uk slash 6music